How to get HR to make money for the lawyers

All you employers, bosses and Human Resources managers, listen up. The economy is hurting lawyers and we need you to generate more wrongful dismissal lawsuits.
So, in the interests of generating new business for lawyers, here's a list of things you should be sure to do to create more business for us.
If an employee isn't working to your satisfaction give him a vague warning about his performance. Don't be too specific, don't offer constructive criticism and don't offer any help. Let the employee flounder so you can then fire him and allege just cause.
Written policies? Why bother? Make it up on the fly.
Forget about job reviews or feedback. They're just a waste of time. No one needs feedback. Let your employees guess what you think about them.
Forget about ongoing job training -- or any job training at all. Let someone else pay for their training. It's not your responsibility.
Be abusive. Off-colour jokes are always a nice touch. Be sure to add jokes about sex for your female employees and jokes about minorities or gays for added measure. They're a hoot, aren't they? Your employees are offended? Let them go to the human rights commission.
Don't give your employees any meaningful reasons for your decision to terminate them. After all, there's no obligation to be honest or give reasons. Be vague or just say it didn't work out. People don't really want to know why they've been fired. They won't be frustrated.
Be as vague as possible when making announcements to staff concerning any termination. If possible imply that the employee was dishonest or committed some unspeakable crime. What do you care if his reputation suffers?
If you decide to open your wallet and provide pay in lieu of notice or severance pay be sure to offer the lowest amount you can possibly get away with. You're sure to get a bonus by keeping down expenses.
And if you do offer a termination package be sure to ask for a release. For the minimum amount you're paying you don't want to be bothered with any pesky lawsuits. So what if your employees can't afford to seek legal advice before signing the release? Oh, and make sure you insist that the release be signed and returned the same day.
Just for the fun of it don't pay the minimum employment standards pay in lieu of notice or severance pay until you get the release back. For good measure, why not also hold onto the accrued vacation pay?
For sure, you don't want to cover the employee's benefits for any period following termination. Let them pay for their own dental and drug expenses. But if you do cover some benefits following termination make sure it's for the shortest period possible and even then make sure you don't cover any post-employment life insurance, disability insurance or pension contributions. So what if an employee has a major medical problem after you fire him? It's all part of the game.
If your former employee seeks a reference letter, just say no. You don't want to help him get a new job do you? Let him suffer in unemployment. Oh, and there's no hurry on the EI Record of Employment, is there?
If an employee has the temerity to sue you for wrongful dismissal then take it personally. Bring out the big legal guns. Money is no object in fighting off these nuisance lawsuits. Put these employees through the wringer. That'll show them. Settlements? Mediation? Hah, that's for wimps. You want to drag the case out and put these employees through a lengthy trial.
And once you've lost? Well, that's what appeals are for, isn't it? We've got courts of appeal in Canada and if they don't see it your way, why there's always the Supreme Court of Canada. Your taxes pay for these judges, so why not use them? Many thanks in advance.
Alan Shanoff was counsel to Sun Media for 16 years and is currently a freelance writer and teaches media law.