Just dating after forty-thanks lavalife for the tip

This Girl Just Wants to Have Fun


I'm dating several guys right now... Do I have to tell them? Or am I safe at least till I'm exclusive with someone? I'm new to dating. I was married and am now getting back out there. What's the etiquette?
-- Stacey

Kelly Says:
It's refreshing to hear from someone who's jumping back into the dating pool after marriage and doesn't need a life jacket. This is hot stuff, Stacey. If all these dudes know you're in it for the fun, and if your feelings wouldn't be hurt if you found out they were also dating multiple singles, then there's no harm done in carrying on your merry way until you decide to go exclusive. Frankly, it's probably your easygoing, open attitude about simply wanting to have a good time (and not harping on finding The One in each date) that's attracting all the testosterone in the first place.

Brent Says:
Stacey, you naughty minx. There's nothing wrong with dating several guys at once although it definitely increases the risk of awkward coffee shop run-ins. The only time you shouldn't be dating more than one person is when you are in an exclusive relationship. The problem is knowing when you have crossed the line. Short of wearing his school football jacket asking him to go steady, you really have to feel it out because the lines are different for everyone. Usually, if you've been dating regularly for more than a couple of months, there is an implication of exclusivity. Another sign: when the weekend date becomes assumed. But there are so many signs that if you're not sure it's best just to state your intentions outright. Either, "I'm not interested in an exclusive relationship," or the famous, "I just want to keep things casual/let's not move too fast" speech.

ah dating on the 'cheap'

It will be interesting to see what happens due to the global economy.
Many men I know rate themselves on their wallet- and many women rate men on their wallets as well.
Perhaps, it will now become more important for men to be fun, sharing, kind and generally easy to be around then how much money they make....
On what men are looking for- I do wonder if the lack of money will make men any more generous with women-- for example now that the 'big boys' have lost a large portion of their money will they still insist on expecting perfection from the women out there?
Just wondering- any ideas are wanted--

when is it time to decide if you are interested?

Okay, when out 'dating' when is the right time to decide when someone is not right for you?
It would seem from some of the comments on this blog and men I have spoken with about this is right away--- it seems men seem to know 'right away if they want to do a woman.' So that is the reason they would ask a woman out again.
Back to school again.
I guess many women agree- BUT that is just to have sex--- it does take longer to decide if someone is a person you want a relationship with and that takes time.
So, women I guess should not go out for a second cup of coffee with men unless they are attracted physically--- and if you are attracted to him- but not sure if you want a relationship with him you should NOT go for a second cup of coffee as he will think then you 'want to do him.'
Jessh- boy am I glad I am single- thought the sexes were closer than this!
Cause if you don't want to meet him in private after the first cup of coffee in public ( and you do not know who this person and have never met him before- do not worry about your safety- just agree to meet him in private anyway-- JEESH--- isn't this what happened to a man that met a 'woman' in her garage and got cut up?)
aughhhh-- I think if a man is not interested in how you feel and your sense of safety he is not worth having a second cup of coffee with- cute or not!

hey- just an idea

Maybe.... just maybe.... women are looking for a great guy to hang out with- then when they find good companionship they want an intimate relationship.
Maybe- most guys still just want casual sex- that is why so many men go for the younger women that still just want sex first and relationship second.
just an idea

interesting comment

A recent comment stated that if a woman sees a man three times- she is a tease if she does not consider this a 'relationship'. Have we really slid that far apart from either sex?
Most women I know- and most men still consider the third 'date' as a look see- and consider it okay if you get to the third date.
For the record- comment-- please do not assume that all that is written here is first person--or even related to the same men in the rest of the article-- sometimes I just vent about a few issues at once--.
So having said that- there is something to say about the few gentlemen that still do understand that just because you 'of this middle-age' you still may wish to be treated like a lady- and they are willing to spoil, and pamper and become friends before they assume any other intentions. Also- there are still the ladies that prefer to simply have a fun good time- do not really wish to get to know you too well before and will 'hook up' with you on the first and for sure by the 3rd date- but that does not mean either that these women consider you a boyfriend.
It would seem not much has changed since college- there are the 'good girls' the fun girls- the guys that want to be players- and the good guys that want to get to know you and care about you before they consider 'going for it'.
Age does not seem to change all the good ol dating rules---
So- I guess the easiest way to make your way around this is to consider what sort of dater you are and what you are looking for.
first date- and hook up?
2nd coffee and hookup
or looking for the long term get to know each other and 'hook up' when it feels right...... not to worry you will find the right type of date for you as the other ones will simply fall by the wayside---maybe with a few parting shots- but they will fall by the wayside
Happy dating- and remember I am here for your questions and concerns!

ah and on dates

Please can someone explain to me why when a guy takes a girl out for a cup of coffee- at this middle age time- it suddenly seems the guy thinks they have a relationship???
It was a cup of coffee, a glass or two of wine- maybe a dinner- but that makes it dating- not having a serious committed relationship!
Come on guys- you have 'dated' before- that is what it is simply dating.... you and her can see other people, have dinner and drinks with other folks.
You are not having a committed relationship just because you have hung out together or are hanging out together.
This may be news to some of you guys- when you were younger maybe women went out for a drink and then thought you were their boyfriend- not so anymore- now you simply are a guy they went for a drink with.
Also, do not assume you are now their boyfriend- cause you bought them a coffee- do not call at all hours, drop by their house un-announced- expect them to want to meet your friends, actually this behaviour is creepy-------. The lady went for a drink with you--- nothing more!
If you are hanging out- maybe that is all she wants is to 'hang out'- maybe you really did not interest her in the way you wanted--relax- chill and please do not be so needy, clingy, overly-sensitive, possesive, and desperate- You are behaving in the same manner you used to refer to women--- Yuk--- not attractive!

dating

ah- the middle aged man- who complains about us bitter middle-aged women......
It seems to me that the middle aged man is much more desperate to find a woman than the middle aged woman is to find a man......
Guys- if you want a middle-aged woman lets look at a few facts and rules
1) do not meet her for coffee and whine about your ex, your relationship, your sick parents- she is actually looking to have some fun, light lively chatter-- try to act happy.
2) Upon meeting her for coffee remember it is the first time you have taken her out- do not complain about how the 'other women' wanted expensive dinners etc- while you have a $1.20 coffee at Timmies----
3) Jeesh- dating at 40+ is no different than dating at 20- guys you want the girl to like her- treat her like you like her not like she is at the inquisition.
Women- most are not about to jump into bed with you on the first- or even third date... that is simply the way it is.
You have to impress us and give us a reason to see you again-- and that is not made by running down all the other women you have seen, telling us how wonderful you are- or acting as though we are your personal shrinks- leave the shrink work to the shrinks- act nice, friendly and kind with us----
jeesh- we have enough of our own problems - we do not want to hear about yours- try to solve them or feel we are sitting across the table from someone with more problems then we need to add to our lives.
Perhaps lastly- if you have so many problems- save all of us and solve your problems first- get divorced, solve the money problems, get happy before you try to date.
If you want a nice happy girl- be a nice happy guy that she would want to hang out with!

some female venting

This is the first of a few posts coming that hopefully will help some of you guys get some footing in the real world.....
1) Numero uno- this is a big one--- DO NOT EVER GO TO A WOMAN'S HOUSE WITHOUT CALLING FIRST- AND BEING INVITED- EVER!
I do not care what the excuse you use is- NEVER -- this is rude, makes the woman feel creeped out and turns you into a somewhat semi stalker----
EVER- REMEMBER - If you are on fire or dying- go to the fire department or hospital- DO NOT CALL HER- and do not drop by just because you are on fire- dying, in the neighbourhood!
Hmmm- I feel much better now- thanks for letting me vent
The above action will not impress her- make her like/love/ respect you more!
NEVER DROP BY A GIRLS HOUSE UNINVITED FOR ANY REASON_ IF YOU DO- DO NOT ACT SURPRISED IF SHE IS UPSET WITH YOU___ YOU BROKE NUMBER ONE CARDINAL RULE FROM WHEN YOU WERE A KID!!!!!!

Part two

So, 'married but unhappy' we will just call him MBU--- called my friend while I was driving her home- and yes indeed he did 'drop' over to her house after I left and around 2:00 am by this time.
(Again, no judgements here the rest of the story is coming)
So, the long and short of it gentlemen......
1) He did not even bring a condom-- bring your own! Luckily my friend is much smarter and had a few! (which she only needed one of-----)
2) Apparently he could not get all the blood to the right place and was rather 'not ready'.......kissed badly all in all the sex was terrible, short and bad-------- no wonder his marriage is rocky....... half full tent pole, short tent pole and not 'up' for long enough to set the tent up correctly..... yup married women will go camping with other tents if this is the case!
3) He was running to the washroom all night= approx- 6 times and he left at around 6 am.
4) My friend was going to suggest he get his prostrate fixed- but then again he is/was/wanted to be a 'doctor' so he should know this!
Moral of the story- if your wife is cheating, if you are getting bad sex from your wife and the lovely ladies you bed on the side-----Get your prostrate checked! You are embarrassing yourself and 'pissing' off the women your life! (Is that enough motivation to see the doctor and be embarassed once- in front of a real doctor?) Getting your prostrate checked could save your marriage, your sexual repuation never mind your life!

bars- married men and single women

Installment One
Okay, I live in a cave.
The other night I went to the theatre with a lovely, lively single over 40 year old women. Within one minute of me going up to the bar to get a cocktail for us I was approached by two not bad looking 30 something men who proceeded to offer the drinks I was ordering.
Then, they proceeded to tell me they were doctors here on business, both married, one very unhappily.
Graciously, accepting the cocktails for both me and my girlfriend sitting over at the table- and after delivering her drink to her, I returned to listen to this absurd banter.
It did not take long to realize the doctor stuff was bullshit- but they were entertaining.
After some more banter, they finally accepted that I was- in truth- not interested in married men- or single men for that matter for a 'flash in the pan.'
The unhappy man from Vancouver- lets call him Lyle--told me his 'story'. Married for 17 years to a women who did not drive, was an educated 'Hutterite' that looked like a runway model (see what sort of lame shit we have to listen to--however, enjoy the fun of the conversation).
Anyways, wife was not happy, Lyle drank too much, she was bored, they have no children..... she had become a Beatch (bitch). What was he to do? He was so unhappy. He did not get any love, and attention. He could not make her happy. If only he could leave, find true love and move on.
Yawn-- come on guys- come up with something more interesting.
I asked him what his part was in this failing relationship- and of course nothing was his fault.
"When was the last time you took her on a date, bought her flowers, rubbed her back, ran her tub, gave her great sex?"
"Jee, I just took her to Phoenix-- she shopped I golfed" ( are you guys getting this?)
Again, I asked-then I told him. "Go, get her an outfit, make the reservations, order for her- spoil her pamper her and make her feel special. Give her great sex".
"I give her everything, I think she has a lover."
Anyway.....
Since I was obviously not interested in 'making the hay', the shift began toward my lovely and lively friend who was dancing and having a great time. She- was however interested in no strings attached fun and the shift happened rather quickly for the 'married but unhappy' man.... salesman for medical equipment from Vancouver with the 1,000,000 dollar house close to the children's hospital in Vancouver married to the physio tech (??).
Hmmmm...... my friend's cell phone ran while I was in the car driving her home----- and part two tomorrow.
Have a terrific day--- and gentleman- there is no judgement here but you may not like what I say in part three of this story- but it may do you well to tune back in.

For the gentlemen! Phase Two

Do not argue with a woman who is late or takes her time getting ready
"Beautiful people are sometimes more prone to keep you waiting than plain people because there is a big time differential between the beaufiful and the plain." Andy Warhol

"Kidult"

this wonderful phrase was invented by Kidada Jones, Quincy Jones' daughter, to describe herself.... an kid... adult.....
while she is in training to be over 40 her insight and wisdom gave her entrance to this blog-- Kidada-- recently a member of Disney consumer production team explores the fun, creativity and excitement with being a child while balancing that with the responsibilities of being an adult (a balancing act many us have not yet managed).
"Kidada manages to make the need to keep your childhood imagination alive cool" states her sister----
so if it is playing with or collecting Disney characters, writing songs, painting, wearing Mickey Mouse t-shirts, designing clothes --- anything remember to keep a muscle working you need to exercise it- so exercise your imagination-- stay away from dull and boring--- be a kid- have some fun for darns sake!

hmmmmm middle aged women!

What is it with women- that many seem to stay stuck in the middle grades- 7-9?
I read recently that in seniors' homes the women still gossip about what other women wear, who they see and what they do! What is with this?
Gosh darn and more words- I could care less what another woman wears, even the young ones with the nice bods- shoot ladies wear what you can while you can- Enjoy life- enjoy your body, enjoy your youth!
Recently I had the experience of a lady about my own age- unleash on me about some issues-- I think she thought I had wanted to upset her- and that was the furthest from my intentions. I did not have time to explain as I could not get a word in--then I thought- let's practice manners and being polite- and taking a cue from Eckhart Tolle- I decided to breathe.
Perhaps she needed to vent and I was there- the insults were way out of line, and the sound of two slamming doors as I left beyond belief--why?
I did not share insults with this lady- thinking she must be having a bad day- and I went about mine- but the thought lingers- why all this anger?

Interesting conundrum

Okay- I have had this conversation way too many times in the last few weeks.
Women over 40 not wanting a realtionship- men over 40 wanting one!
Why?
Is it because women having raised husbands and children- caring for everyone but themselves- including a career, finally just want to take care of themselves?
Then men get upset and say we are too selfish.
Men, spend their youth having fun and taking care of themselves (and pay for the family) then want some sex, companionship - and us old birds- having been the caregiver- want someone to take care of us.
The men used to being taken care of by ex-wives- now realize they want more of that but do not realize- or now maybe do- the first wife- or wives- left because they (the wife) was not being romanced, respected and loved.....
Hmmm. women want respect, romance, flowers, dinners out---- then that makes us gold-diggers! Or if not interested in a relationship makes us miserable old women.....
any ideas?

Late Night desserts

Now that we are all on the other side of 40-- why is that we do not enjoy the indulgences that our age allow?
Late night deserts at a fancy restuarant- late afternoon slices of pie and champagne?
I personally am killing myself just trying not to gain anymore weight- and man--- sometimes would it not just be nice to enjoy?
Maybe when I am 70---darn chocolate, strawberries and champagne in bed- with the tummy covered-- opps that is getting into the other blog again......
Guess perhaps lux and romance is the question--

Men blooming?

Interesting comment- why can men not bloom?
It seems funny to me that in 'person' men do not discuss the emotional part of their lives- but in anonymity of the Internet they seem to need and want to...... (maybe one of the reasons men and women are having such a hard time with each other)
However, many men I know do harbour secret fantasies- ( not that kind- that is another blog) rock-star, moviestar fantasies..... why not live them out now?
Why not go back to what your dreams where when you were young and try to revamp them?
Was the goal of your life really to be a mechanic, corporate exec-- do you feel still left out?
Yes, I think men can bloom- even though the word itself may have feminine connotations.

Neverbloomers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMO61bK18BU

aha! Okay did you bloom? Did you wither? Are you a grown-up?Do you want to be a grown-up?

Me, I have been a grown-up and actually it kinda sucks-- time to grow-down and bloom!

Fun- this getting older is very freeing in many ways- another chance to grow- down and bloom!

Never Bloomers!

http://www.sharonfilms.com/quiz.html
This quiz is way too fun=- even for us old and jaded folks--- try it--- and maybe you too will find some way to rebloom!

What women really want

Million dollar saphire and diamond shoes- yuhoo!

Browsing through this months Oprah magazine- I came upon an interesting article
Men and women and how to tell them apart'
basically the article was what women want and what men want--
"'Women want men to know what women want. And men want women not to want anything.'
That is the premise-- women want things that are hard to get- to prove the men love them, respect them and will go to great lenghts for them.
Men, if they give something that is easy to give- women do not feel treasured, and hence then the man will have to hunt and forage for something truly rare to make up for the slight of giving something rather mundane.... causing the woman to feel mundane!
The article goes on the say- if you want to impress your woman you need to find a rare lily that has not been seen on the earth since the time of Cleopatra!
Voila- simple !
Men, on the other hand want women that will think everything they do, like eating left over Indian food from the container, with the fridge door open- using their fingers to pick the bits out of the take out container, in the worn underwear--- and to hear their woman - sigh. She thinking he is the most impressive man on the planet!
There- simple- we will never come to terms on this----however I suppose if you clone the rare lily just for her- she may allow you some middle of the night finger eating out of the containers- just make sure the lights are highlighting the rare lily you created only for her amusement!

Interesting situation

Why is it women continue to be so- well 'bitchy' to one another?
It seems like the ugliness of 8th grade will never go away for some women- they seem so upset with women that are better looking- more talented, stay home, work- are richer - or poorer then they are-!
Why and what is the competition about- we understand it is for men when women are young- they want to pro-create with the best mate and want no competition-- but why is it that after the time of pro-creating women are still so god damn nasty?
any ideas?

Why am I single

www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080620.leah21/BNStory/lifeStyle/home
Great on-line debate about single- and why- and men and women- and well= It seems we really do not like each other any more- once/twice burned- three times shy.... no-one wants to share, time, resources, work load- and what all the goodies just for themselves-- Guess that is why we are all single--

ah the mid-life crisis!

You give up your career dreams to stay home and raise husbands and kids and end up mid 40's with no husband ( not always that bad) kids grown up and now you feel as lost as you where when you where in your early 20's -trying to figure what to do with your life.
Most of us- even at 20 'sold out' our fantasy lives for well paying careers, law- medicine =whatever, and never perused the real dream- actor, fashion designer, interior designer-- now here we are again!
Except now we are older, still wanting the dream, perhaps saddled with debt, mortgages, the fear of being old with no money- poverty was part of the 'fun' when we were young and starting out! Poverty does not seem so romantic at mid 40 - or the thought of poverty when we are 70!
Jumping off the boat- selling and moving to a hut in Mexico seems romantic now- running away like we would of done when we were 20- hitchhiking around the globe. But, back then we knew we would have to 'join society' at some point, come back and make our fortunes!
Now, some of us have our fortunes, are still 'empty', some of us middle class suffering the money woes after raising kids, and husbands, singles and struggling----
any ideas anyone out there?

Interesting chat in the Globe

I find the chatter and dialogues on the globe and mail rather interesting-- and confusing- hence this blog!
Men seem to think that women only want money- I can see where and why women would want money- but most I know have their own at this age....Women think men still only want a young sex pot--!
So, while we have rather fun fantasies, most of us really want someone that thinks we are the cat's meow- that is our equal intellectually, compatible sex and money wise, makes us laugh and makes us feel terrific when we are around them...... large diamonds, real estate and long legs and blond hair are the extras! Right?
So, again what is the big problem- other then, I think, after we do get to a certain age we are jaded, scared with scars, and are more comfortable in our own skins and more experienced in what we want. In our youth our tastes were not so developed so cheap wine would do- as we get older and more experienced we prefer better wine (not always more expensive- but now we know 'good' wine when we taste it)
take care, cheers and chat later

sex and the city

Guys, what do some men have the problem with this movie? It is simply girl fluff and clothes.

Some of us girls don't get the monster truck, arm-chair sportsman, golf watching beer drinking thing- so why cant we have our 'stuff' without guilt?

any comments would be great!

short men, short women and dating

Interesting comment again in the Globe--they do come up with the greatest debates- interesting also how these simple 'human interet stories gather the most comments...
check out this one
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080522.wlshort22/BNStory/lifeFamily/home-
interesting where and what will drive folks blood pressure up!